By Stowell P. Watters
Staff Writer
    When I came into the office the other day there was a small red envelope on my desk, laced with a white bow. I picked it up and noticed it smelled heavily of cinnamon and ginger. It read: “To Stowell, From Santa.”
     Naturally I was intrigued and opened it, what I found inside was an invitation to an exclusive interview with jolly old St. Nick. He wanted to speak with me and set the record straight about a few of his habits, operations and plans. The following is the result of that interview.
    Santa Claus was not ever really born but always existed in his home at the north pole. He described himself as “ageless.”
    “There are many mysteries surrounding me and I keep it that way. If people learned how I do what I do then I would lose my uniqueness in this rapidly changing world. And yes, I am ageless as are my trusted reindeer,” Santa said.
    At this he produced a wallet containing pictures of himself alongside former presidents, kings and even pharaohs. How he produced a camera for some of these shots also fell under what Santa called “top-secret.”
    Santa said although many scientists are worried about a warming effect on our climate, his home, exact location unknown, is still inundated with white fluffy snow, year-round.
    “I try not to get messed up in politics, I have been around long enough to know better,” he said.
    While an old adage claims he only checks his list twice, Santa would like to clear the record.
    “We check that list constantly, that way boys and girls have the opportunity to do good, to make up for any bad they may have been a part of,” he said.
    The elves, he said, have magical patents on all of the toys in the world. This year they are making a lot of Bratz Dolls, Legos and video games for young girls and boys. But before the elves know what to make they must consult a master list: a giant compilation of all the mail Santa receives throughout the year.
    “If children don’t send me their list I wont know what they want,” Santa said, adding he is looking at getting an email address, but worries a little about all of the spam-mail such a high-profile email might attract.
    Sometimes, he said, children do not know what they want. They will sit on his lap in the mall or at a parade and get choked up, unable to look St. Nick in the eye or they will become so overwhelmed with meeting him that their wish-list gets erased from their mind.
    “In that case I consult their parents or teachers. I have a very good relationship with teachers and since parents are natural educators of their children, they too keep in good contact,” he said. Santa clarified if a boy or girl does not ask for anything at all, but they have been nice year-round, then he will lean toward giving them more education-based toys. “I find out what subjects they like in school and work from there to fuel their learning.”
    One thing I had personally always wanted to know about him was how he got all those presents to all those kids in one night and furthermore, how he fit all those toys in one bag.         The trick, he said, is in the bag.
    “First of all the bag is fairly large and magical in its own right. When I hover above a house the bag will know which house it is and it will offer up the appropriate gifts. As for the timing; lets just say my reindeer are not sleeping on the job,” he said.
    This of course brought us to the subject of his nine reindeer; Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen and Rudolph. According to the man in red, the reindeer need children to set out carrots for them as it is very hard for Santa to grow vegetables in the North Pole. The reindeer, however, cannot possibly consume all of the carrots in one night so Santa will put the carrots into his magical bag and save them to be stored away in a silo at his home.
    How he gets down those tiny chimneys remains a bit of a mystery, even to Mrs. Claus.
    “She has always been wanting me to loose some weight,” Santa said with a hearty laugh, adding he would not divulge this secret either. “But rest assured, there is no funny business, I go in the same way I come out and if there is a fire I have my tricks.”
    Some children have speculated as to whether or not Rudolph is always used or if he is only brought out in situations in which there is a storm or heavy fog. Rudolph, Santa confirms, always leads the parade.
    Mrs. Claus plays an integral role in the holiday-preparation. Her jobs range from care of the reindeer and elves to mending Santa’s clothes. While it is her concern to keep the house clean and bustling around this time of the year, she is not afraid to ask the big man for help.
    “Ho ho ho, when she has a chore for me I hop right to it, I have lived long enough to know you cannot say no to Mrs. Claus,” Santa said.
    While he is delivering gifts to all of the boys and girls in the world Santa gets hungry and said he really appreciates the cookies children leave for him – especially chocolate-chip. As he is soaring through the night sky Santa hunkers down behind the lip of his sleigh in order to cut back on wind chill. In addition he has a heavy throw – knit by his wife of course – and a special hat.
    “Most of your warmth escapes out of the top of your head so I had the misses fashion me a fine, heavy cap,” Santa said.
    After the midnight ride, his belly full of delicious home-baked cookies, Santa is ready to hit the hay. When he goes home Mrs. Claus readies his giant bed and he lies down for a winter-nap.
    “When I awake we have a giant celebration, all the elves come out and dance and we celebrate a good year,” he said.
    I asked Santa what he would like the children of the world to know. He scratched his enormous beard and then put his hands on his knees, satisfied and ready to speak.
    “It is really important to think of others before yourself, in this season and all through your life. Believing in me is important, it fuels the spirit and the season, but it is not completely essential,” he said. Rocking back in his chair, Santa smiled, pleased that he finally had a soapbox to speak from. “As people grow older they stop believing, but when I see them in their hometowns they always, always, always brighten. Their eyes widen, no matter their age, and as I take the time to look them in the eye and talk to them I can see that the spirit is everlasting.”
    To contact Stowell P. Watters, call 282-4337 ext. 219 or email news@kennebunkpost.com.